I’ve Been Keeping Secrets

Hi! It is time that I come clean about a secret I’ve been holding on to.

First, if you are from Facebook, surprise! I’m trying to blog now!

But that isn’t the secret.

I should start by saying, my college experience up to this point has been a long, blessed journey. However, those are stories that are best saved for another day since I have many and how I got to this point is long and not what I’m talking about currently.

I graduated from community college in May of 2018 (now that I look at that, I’m amazed that it’s been nearly a year now. Whoa.) I spent more time than most there because I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do or what path I wanted to take. I’m slightly embarressed about how long it took but I’m far more proud of everything I learned and who I became as a product of those decisions. I finally settled on cosmetology as my chosen career path because it was something I was always interested in and partly because my inner self was screaming about how it was time to settle on something and move along. Everyone would continuously ask me if I would be transfering after I graduated. I would laugh and say no. That I was going to go back someday but not for a very long time.

I graduated with honors and was even the student speaker at my graduation (something I NEVER dreamed I would ever say). I had my degree(s) and a job in my chosen field that I’d had since December 2017. Everything was great and happily ever after, right? For a time, yes. But something felt like it was missing or like I was playing that toddler’s game where you put the right shapes in the their designated slots but I just couldn’t make the pieces fit.

One of the proudest days of my life. (And a screenshot from the live feed)

In July, I was starting to re-enter into feelings I thought I’d put long behind me. I started to panic thinking, “Oh God. What if I made the wrong choice? What am I going to do now?” I thought about maybe I really should go back and get my bachelors degree. Then the thoughts of:

1. What would everyone think if I went back to school now? I already spent more time than was needed at school. I’m going to be such a failure if I go back now.

2. How am I going to make that even work with my schedule???

3. I didn’t know the first thing about applying for transfer to a four year university.

4. And most importantly, how the hell was I going to pay for it?! Community college tuition prices + very generous scholarships + the help of a parent made it to where I came out with zero debt. Not having to take out loans and be in debt is very freeing and something a) I know nothing about and b) something that I definitely don’t want.

So, I decided it was a nice thought but not for me now. I’ll do it later.

Flash forward to August, I guess the universe had other plans for me. I no longer had the job I graduated with which would free up my schedule if I wanted to go back and with a new job that would allow me to start putting money back for me to begin to cover loan repayments. But I still wasn’t ready to commit. I thought this might have been the sign I was looking for but I still wasn’t convinced. The longer time went by, the more sure I became that maybe I should go back.

So in October, I decided it was time. I had more solid answers for two of my biggest concerns and decided to hell with the negative thoughts I’d put in my head about going back to school. I applied to Southern Illinois University (SIU) and filled out a FASFA application. Both of which were far easier to do than I had originally worried about. And you know what?

I was accepted and in LESS THAN TWENTY FOUR HOURS was offered a $4,000 a year trasfer scholarship for the next two years. That was the sign I needed that this was what I needed to do. This was the right step and the right choice for me. So I dove in. I accepted the scholarship and did more research about what I needed to do next and how I was going to pay for school (which was my biggest concern). By accident, when I was working on background for a blog post about how failure is a good thing (months before I dreamed of actually going back to school)(I still really love this idea and hope to write this someday soon), I spoke with a girl who had gone through the first semester of what would become my chosen major. She told me about her experience and what she wished she could have done differently. I knew I would be in her shoes once classes began so armed with that knowledge, I set out to teach myself what I needed to know and give myself as much of a headstart as I possibly could.

I filled out scholarship application after application. I have a notebook sitting on my dresser filled to the brim with notes and spreadsheets for scholarships and their due dates. If I was going to go all in then I was going to go ALL IN. I began taking money out of every paycheck I received and putting it in a special fund just for school so I could begin having some repayment money ready when the time came.

In February, the deadline for two of the most important scholarships came. My goal was to have that application done before I went to Florida for vaction. That didn’t happen and all I had brought with me was an ipad. I decided that I wouldn’t get that anyway. I knew people who had won those and I just wasn’t enough for that. I hadn’t even known where to begin writing the essay for it. I’d made extensive notes about what I WANTED to say but couldn’t find the right way to say it. But something inside just wouldn’t let me go to sleep that night without giving it a shot, the worst they could do was say no. So armed with my ipad, my notebook, and sitting outside with the ocean across the street as my background noise, I wrote my essay. I wasn’t happy with it. I felt like I could do better and I knew I was just wasting their time. I sent it anyway. Looking back, I was way to hard on myself about that essay. It was honest and open about what I wanted to do and my futute goals which is all I could ever ask from myself.

While on that trip in Florida, I received my financial aid award. Since I am 24 and now considered independent, it helped a lot. I was halfway there. I was releived that I wouldn’t have to take out as much as I initially feared but I held out on accepting the loan offers until I could do more research and make a clear decision.

I met with my advisor (who was so helpful and filled in the gaps about my schedule that I hadn’t figured out on my own) and she prepared me for what I needed to do when the time for registration came. Around this time, I recieved an email announcing that I was named a finalist for those two big scholarships I had applied for and I needed to come in for an interview. The same scholarships I had feared I had blown with my essay. I was so excited.

Meeting with my advisor (I also MADE this skirt!)

The day of my interview came. Armed with all I had done to prepare and a killer outfit choice (thank you friends who took my outfit poll), I made way there. In the past, I would have been so nervous, I’d have thrown up. I surprised myself by being calm. I’d made it that far and by golly that was enough for me. I went into my interview and answered their questions as best I could. When I got to my car, I realized there were a million, better answers I could have said. But again, I was proud of all I had done so far. As my band director from high school would say, “Did you leave it all out there on the field?” Yes, yes I did.

This was my interview outfit ft. a black Torrid dress and estate sale jacket

I registered for my classes last week and on Thursday I received an email saying I had been awared the Phi Theta Kappa scholarship worth $3,000. I was elated because that meant I would only have to cover a small amount of my tuition for the year and most of that money I already had put away.

That brings us to today. Today I received a letter. A letter that said, out of 130+ semi finalists, I was a finalist. And out of 70+ finalists, I had been awarded the Transfer Achievement Scholarship. Because of how well my interview went, my $4,000 a year scholarship is being bumped up to $8,000 a year for the next two years. Which means that I OFFICALLY don’t have to take out a loan for my first year, that I am debt free for at least a year and well ahead of where I thought I’d be for next year.

Now, if you are here from Facebook, you might be thinking, “But Tori. Why didn’t you tell us any of this? You share EVERYTHING.” This is a good point and I don’t really know why I kept it a secret. Which is amazing that I’ve kept all this in since OCTOBER! I’ve been bursting at the seams to blab about it. I told family member and a handful of friends. It became harder to keep the secret after the interview though because others I know were also there.

So that’s my big secret! I’ll be attending SIU in August to pursue a major in Fashion Design and Merchandising! It is finally happening.

Looks like I’m a Saluki now.

“Set some goals, stay quiet about them, and smash the shit out of them.” -a graphic I saw on Pinterest.

With a feeling of accomplishment, a sure sense of the future, and a twinge of anxiety,

Tori

The Quest for Cleanliness

Hello again!

As we’ve hit a week later since my first post, it is safe to assume this isn’t going to be a daily blog. Maybe it won’t even be a weekly blog. For me it is all about keeping this fun and avoiding a burn out so while I hope to be consistent with this for now it will just be when I feel I have something to say. That being said, I have a few ideas about future posts and am also open to suggestions for things you want to know about!

But let’s get on with today’s topic!

Before we begin, I should set a couple scenes.

First, I have a confession. Upon meeting me, most people assume I am organized and have things pretty put together. However, if you are anything like the boy who tried to cheat off my tests in a Geology class (one of the only classes I ever received a C in college) simply because I appeared so put together, you know to dig deeper and take nothing at face value. So it is time I admit to the world (and finally accept it for myself) I am horribly unorganized and if I’m being honest, pretty lazy. If you have ever watched Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen’s ‘New York Minute’ then you might remember the opening scene. The one where one twin is prim and proper, uses a planner, and everything is in its proper place. That’s the kind of put together I ASPIRE to be. Alas, I am more the other twin. The one who’s bedroom looks like it exploded with piles of clothes and things everywhere…well, minus the snake.

The second scene is the current state of my bedroom which is the shining star of this post today. One October morning, I woke up with the strong and sudden desire to give my bedroom a face lift. At that point, my bedroom hadn’t been touched in a few years and was due for some fresh paint and a new perspective. So I searched Pinterest for ideas, called up my friends, and bought some paint. Eager to begin, I just tossed things in boxes and declared that we’d work around them. We made great progress in a weekend but they went home and I lost steam. Those boxes that I piled things into? They’ve been sitting in the middle of my room since October and I just sort of been manuvering around them and the clothing piles. I’ve always been like this. I start strong and rarely follow it to the end. I try to get things cleaned and organized but eventually fall into my same pattern until the cycle starts over. One of my biggest goals of 2019 is getting my bedroom in the best state it has ever been in and keeping it that way. Hence why it is the first one I’ve chosen to hone in on.

I still have things I want to do in terms of making over my bedroom that were never finished (and then begin working on the other room that needs redoing) but that starts with the first and most important step that I tried glossing over…cleaning. And I mean REALLY cleaning. I’m a pack rat that likes to hold on to absolutly everything and a clothing shopaholic who refuses to let go of things I don’t even wear. I have a good friend who is all about only keeping what means something to you and recently put minimalism to the test by moving into a tiny home. I’ve also been looking more into Marie Kondo and her methods. The more I watch, read, and research, the more behind that ‘sparks joy’ method I become. As of today, I’ve donated three trash bags full of clothes that I don’t need to a local shelter with fourth soon to follow (and I’m hardly through my clothes). My bedroom is also starting to become cleaner. I can see the floor and my loveseat now. It is still only the beginning but it already feels cleaner and less cluttered where I can breath a sigh of relief again. Those boxes I mentioned earlier? They are no longer sitting in the middle of the room. Their contents are now in appropriately labeled totes until the cleaning and painting is done when they can return to their proper places. Seeing this progress gives me a huge sense of accomplisment and a greater motivation to see this through.

My goal is to take you all along this journey to getting a cleaner space with me step by step as it happens. However, I will not be posting before pictures at this time. It’s one thing to admit my faults, it is a whole other thing to give them visual. I will be more open to sharing photos as I progress though!

I always go hunting for tips when I get the cleaning bug and most tend to be for people who have it mostly put together to begin with. You know the “sorry my house is wreck” when it is practically spotless type? Those don’t tend to help me and my mess…they actually just overwhelm me and make me feel guilty, if I’m being completely honest. So here is my process and what I’ve been telling myself so far.

1. JUST DO IT. STOP PROCRASTINATING AND JUST START ALREADY! (If you still want to procrastinate for a minute, now would be the perfect time to watch that Shia Labeouf video from a few years back where he’s yelling motivational things in front of a green screen.) For me, getting started is the hardest part. I’m faced with what do I do first? How do I start? And a million other anxiety frenzy building questions until I just don’t do it. Take breath. Pick a spot in the room or a specific task (like trash collecting) and focus on JUST that. Once you start and see the progress you are making, it makes finsihing the job more satisfying.
2. It will get worse before it gets better. This is where I’m at in the process. Granted, since I’m storing things away for renovation purposes, it is a little less frightening. However, I still find that I get one area clean and when I move on to the next, I end up putting something in my newly cleaned zone. My grandma always calls this “eating the elephant”. It’s daunting and at times discouraging, but you’ll get there in the end.
3. To do lists can be your best friend. I’m very visual and task oriented. Seeing what I need to do and seeing those items getting marked off bit by bit gives me such a thrill. This is not necessary but since I’m mega cleaning and renovating, I went out and bought a little $1 notebook with tab dividers. A scrap of paper would even work, I just simply like the visual and having diffent sections for different things. I have sections for cleaning, renovating, need to buy for renovating, and donate/sell/trash. The first three sections are kind of obvious what they are used for but the last is what I’m using to track my minimalism goals (how many items I donate, how much stuff I’ve thrown away, and a section for if i decide to sell rather than donate).
4. Speaking of friends, get them involved. I won’t let my friends step foot in my room to help me but that didn’t stop them from getting involved. To help us both stay motivated, a friend challenged me to a cleaning war. We both made lists, took pictures, set some stakes and a deadline for what we wanted to have done in terms of cleaning. If I lost, I put out there that I’d cover the ticket cost on a trip we are taking later in the year. You could even do it for just the glory of winning and thrill of competition. Either way, it is a funw way to enjoy the process and make it interesting.
5. Have some noise in the background. I have to have background noise for everything I do (even writing this, I have asmr videos playing in the background). Personally, I get sidetracked to easily with keeping my tv on when I clean so I stay away from that form. In the past, I’ve been known to blast tunes and use vinyls as a way of tracking my time and breaks. Since becoming a Critical Role fan, I log a lot of hours in podcasts and they are my go to at this point (I’m caught up on M9 and have begun listening to VM, for anyone that’s interested). They are typically anywhere from two and a half to 4 plus hours long so they are a good time keeping method as well and I find that I can both stay on task and lose myself in the story line so the time passes faster.
6. Take your time. Rome wasn’t built in a day. If you have a mess like mine, don’t pressure yourself into thinking it has to be done that day and it should only take you a couple hours. If you feel you can only put in an hour, put in an hour, come back the next day and try to go a little longer than before. The key is to not give up on it completely. Keep hacking away at it until it’s done.
7. Set reward goals. Whether that’s a nice treat, a hot bath, or whatever you have your heart set on when you meet your cleaning goals. I accomplished a lot today and for that I’m going to the store and picking up the vinyl copy of “…Baby One More Time” (one of my favorite childhood albums) from the queen that is Britney Spears. Not all of my goals will coming with buying things but that is something I’ve had my eye on for a while and I finally feel like I’ve earned it.

I hope this helps someone start their cleaning journey! If it does or you have any tips or stories of your own, please feel free to share! Or if you would like to take your own cleaning journey with me, I encourage you to begin and I’ll see you back (hopefully next weekend) with an update, moving on to the next step, and sharing more tips and lessons on my journey to a cleaner space!

Signing off and coming at ya with a slightly cleaner room,

Tori